'Money dates' catch on as RIA advice concept for under 40 couples to save wracked marriages, but a therapist offers caveats because it's never all about the money

RIAs are recommending a novel solution – money dates – to an age-old problem that has recently gotten worse – young couples at each other's throats over shared financial problems.

A Bloomberg article brought the concept to light and quoted a series of advisors applying the technique, notable for its oxymoronic label as much as its do-it-yourself convenience.

Alan Moore, co-CEO of XY Planning Network, largely comprised of younger clients, endorsed the concept readily in an email to RIABiz. 

“Money dates are a great way to invest in your relationships. I recommend that couples try to meet weekly, and the agenda is very similar to a business meeting,” Moore says. See: Alan Moore is the No. 2 busiest man in the RIA business and he just convinced the No. 1 busiest man to budget $200,000 to hire a 'rockstar' to replace him

Moore's weekly agenda for couples should include sharing personal and professional highlights from the past week, reviewing quarterly goals and discussing progress made. 

He also recommends reviewing any financial reports for the week, or month ,and working through issues that need resolution, from how to allocate money from a recent raise or how to pay for summer camps for the kids. 

Fraught construct

While these “dates” don't seem like fun, he is adamant that it can help relationships - especially during the early stages of marriage. 

Dan Slagle, founding partner of Fyooz Financial Planning, told Bloomberg dates will be much more fun, if they take place outside the house – maybe during a walk or brunch.

But your favorite restaurant may not be the best place to talk about finances, according to Moore.   

"You need privacy, so I'm a fan of a ‘stay in date’ and if you have kids, send them off with a sitter or grandparents," he explains in the email. "That way you can really talk about the money issues you're facing without fear of someone overhearing you.”

Still, Sheela Joshi, a clinical therapist in Mill Valley, Calif., says the idea of an unsupervised “money date” gives her pause because it is a “fraught” construct.

“It could go wrong in so many ways. The date thing is fraught because money is never just about money,” she says.

"It's about how you were raised, what trauma you have around money. You might be talking about money, but you might not.

“It may work for people who are ‘put together,’ not strapped – and who could afford to go out on a date.”

Thorny issues

Moore agrees that “money dates” need to happen in a broader psychological context of investing in the relationship.

“It means prioritizing date nights, trips away, connecting about what's going on in their lives (both professional and personal). 

"It means seeing a therapist who can help empower you with the skills to talk through difficult or thorny issues. It means prioritizing your partner as your most important relationship," he says. 

Moore says he and his wife follow the money dates. “It's advice my wife and I have leveraged and are grateful that we did.” 

What is for sure is that under-40 couples are strapped, perhaps more than ever before. 

Financial squeeze

Student loan debt, one of the biggest burdens faced by young couples, has increased  from an average of $18,000 in 2004 to $31,000 in 2021. 

That means the average young couple has $62,000 in student debt in the face of an increasingly expensive housing market, high-interest rates and simmering inflation. 

The biggest run up in costs occurred in 2022, when inflation hit an average of 6.5% for the year. This year, as of September, the Consumer Price Index for All Urban Consumers increased an average of 3.7 percent.

A swift series of Fed interest rate hikes starting last year pushed mortgage rates from an average of 3.11% in 2020 to a peak this year of 7.52%, on average, for a 30-year fixed loan. 

Intuit Credit Karma surveyed 1,005 adults online, June 7 to June 9, this year and found that money is a major sticking point in Gen Z and Millennials relationships. 

RIAs say they've seen this issue come up, and they've found themselves acting as quasi-referees, trying to come up with ways to help couples handle these thorny issues. 

Hard conversations

About one-third of individuals ages 18 and older said they have ended a relationship over disagreements about money. More than 40% in the Credit Karma study said they fought over finances monthly. 

This generation is also more comfortable spending; as a result, they are falling into higher debt, faster than previous generations, says Brandon Gregg, a financial advisor at BBK Wealth Management in Indiana.

“We're seeing a lot higher debt. People are getting into debt quicker and at a younger age," he says.

"That's the culture we're in. If you want a car, you borrow and don't pay cash. The cost of living is hitting everyone. 

“It's definitely a different conversation when someone is buying a first home. It's a harder conversation with interest rates at 7% for mortgages and student loan debt is higher.” 

As bleak as all that sounds, there are hopeful signs.

Help with basics

A new Bank America survey shows that nearly three in four young adults surveyed, or 73%, have changed their spending habits amid record-high inflation.

Clifford C. Cornell, associate financial advisor with Bone Fide Wealth LLC in New York, says his firm has a special program dedicated to clients ages 22 to 28.  It grapples with many of these spending and debt issues.

 Sometimes, people don't understand simple budgeting and cash flow, he says.

His firm offers a “Young Money Plan” for professionals just starting out to help them maneuver debt and cash flow. 

“Younger professionals are bearing the burden of higher interest rates in the form of student loan forbearance and an incredibly stubborn housing market,” Cornell says. 

He finds that most young professionals don't need traditional planning, but they need a lot of help with the basics. 

“However, they can reap the benefits of in-depth cash flow analysis, debt management and investment strategies that may be much more applicable to them today. 

"By limiting the scope of our engagement, we focus on what the young professional is dealing with up front,” Cornell says.  

Do no harm

Helping young people needs to be a core part of an advisor's business because it does require specific knowledge.

“In terms of the issues younger generations face, you really need to be an expert to help clients with their student loans, equity compensation, and more,” Cornell says.  

You can't just work with younger clients on the side of your "normal" business of helping retirees manage their money as the needs are complex enough that not having adequate knowledge will lead to significant financial harm." 

Cornell, who does not prescribe money dates, says his firm's Young Money Plan is a flat-rate fee service and includes check-ins to make sure young clients have implemented recommendations. 

“Gen-Z does not face The Great Recession, but what we have seen over the past four years is unprecedented. 

“From meme-stocks to the fed raising rates over 5% in such a short period of time, financial uncertainty has become the status quo,” he says. 

Whether money dates are a good idea is open to debate, but one certain aspect to it all stands out, quips Joshi.

“If you schedule a sex date, make sure you schedule it as far away as possible from your money date.”